Here I am, trying to talk to you again and wondering if there is any possibility that you read this. ¿How is everything up there?
Three years. ¡It`s been THREE years!
Everything here is not perfect but OK. ¿You know how it feels trying to survive and live at the same time? This is what I do now (as most people do)… It could always be worse, so I’m good… really good actually. Anyway, life is about perspective, ¿isn’t it?
All I can say is I’ve lived fully these last years. I guess it happens when you have to fight face to face with death, homesickness, sadness and vulnerability. ¿Can you imagine what it means to know face to face, at the same time, your fears, adherences, and weakness… yourself as it is?
It’s not been easy at all, you know that more than anyone else in this world.
It’s been a time full of learning, changes, challenges and decisions. My grandma told me life is about them, even small and big. ¡She was totally right! But now I can tell you ¡it has worth it! So this time I am just writing this letter to say THANK YOU.
Thank you Leo. I am truly grateful with you because in those moments when I feel I can’t deal with myself, in those days when I feel I’m walking through clouds that can suddenly evaporate, afraid of not seeing anything in front, you are still here… being a light in my darkness and kicking my ass when I am trying silently to close my wings and get into my shell. Thank you for always being here remembering me that I can only be me, but I MUST BE ME.
I’ve learned to keep feeling you close. Of course I miss the feeling of your black leather jacket against my chest, but I still feel the same happiness and peaceful when I embrace your soul with mine, as much as I can with my almost none wisdom. Sometimes it hurts when I see you smiling in the photo of my wall… but it encourages me to be better, to be brave, to be authentic, to keep moving, to star over again… and again. No journey out of grief is straightforward, ¿right?
Thank you, not for being my umbrella in my rainy days, but for staying by my side, teaching me how to be confortable and trustful while my own tears soak me. Thank you for trusting me, Leo. Thank you for letting me trust you.
I want to be brave and wise enough to shine, as the moon, in every single step, phase and cycle … no matter how hard they could be and how capable I think I am. I know I am strong enough to do it alone but ¿would you still be here?, ¿would you still encourage me?, ¿would you kick my ass again if I quit?
Two years ago, in another letter, I asked you to smile for me when I looked at the sky, when the moonlight went through the window, when I was on a basement, when the calendar indicated it was 12th and when you appeared in my Social Media news feed. ¡You exceeded my expectations! You smile me wherever I am, whenever I remember you…
You are still.
And I love you still.